I've been painting in one form or another now for about 20 years. It goes in waves, I'm all in a for while, then I take breaks. Over the years those breaks and waves have been for different reasons. When my son was young it was often due to the responsibilities of parenting. Life would also bring changes and challenges (divorce, death of a parent, moving house...) and so I would have long stretches where I wasn't painting. But often times the obstacle was simply a lack of confidence in myself as an artist. Even though I've been at it for all this time, I'm surprised ~ to be honest ~ of how I still need to dance with those demons of doubt. I'm coming to learn it's way more common for artists across the board, much more than I ever realized. It definitely helps to know it's not just me. That even successful and famous artists still come up against this.
My latest pause in my painting practice lasted almost a year. Fortunately I've been in a teacher training program the last five months and it has us painting every week. But somewhere in my head I compartmentalized painting for class and painting for myself. So with different materials and supplies, I jumped in to painting for class, but not for myself. What sparked this break this time was the result of a less than successful show I had of my paintings last summer. I got rather deflated and unconsciously distanced myself from putting paint on canvas. Because I had several other creative outlets keeping me busy, it's wild to see that I didn't even notice it was happening. I happily worked away on my altered books, and came up with two different mixed media projects, one making fairy houses and another making what I call "wee desk altars." But I steered clear of working on several paintings I had started, let alone starting any new ones.
A few weeks ago one of the paintings in my teacher training class started calling to me. It had lots to say and wanted me to keep working on it even when I wasn't in class. With the different art supplies I was using for that (we use tempura paint in the class) I realized I was missing my usual acrylic paint and tools (I often use scrapers, trowels, knives, and spreaders with the thicker paint I love). So I put the assignment aside and got busy working on a painting that had been sitting around for over a year. It felt amazing to be back!
In jumping back in, I realized that I have some favorite techniques and methods of painting that I use that I love doing again and again. I also realized that I had stopped using those ways of creating because in the search for a style, MY style, surely I needed to try something fresh, something new, some imagined way that I thought other artists must be using that I needed to try and learn too. Surely what I had been doing was me still learning to even be an artist for crying out loud.
But when I leaned in to using my favorite ways of putting paint to canvas, that instead of them being worn out over used, they instead were bringing me immense joy. I had missed them! I had this incredible aha moment of realizing that they WERE me. This IS how I create. I don't have to keep trying new things. I ALREADY HAVE A STYLE! It kinda blew me away.
Yesterday I pulled up some photos of my paintings from several years ago, some of my absolute favorites. And as I looked through them I could see the common colors, techniques, and styles of painting in all of them. I could see MY style. For the first time I really, truly appreciated what I brought to each of those paintings. And that I am so ready to continue working in this style that makes me so happy. Who knew!
I guess it takes time, perspective, and a little distance too, to appreciate the gifts and talents we have, to not take for granted the things that add zest to our lives, that make us, well, us. There doesn't need to be a constant search for new and different and more. We can appreciate who we are, at the core, and honor and celebrate that!
I'm constantly in awe of my creative practice. I am always, always, learning more about myself, about being an artist, and about how I do life. It blows me away.
So, back into my studio I go. My next painting awaits me!
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